Rough Couple of Days

The big day is tomorrow...and by big day I mean the 6 year anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law's accident/death...what I'd give to be able to skip over the day entirely...there's not a day that doesn't go by that it doesn't heavily weigh on my mind...so I really don't need a whole day as a reminder...I know there will never be a day where I don't think about them or miss them but I just wish it would get easier...it's hard living with this much anger every day for 6 years...everyone else has seemed to accept it...I just can't seem to take that step and move on...I don't know what it is...I know it'll always hurt but should it still hurt just as much today as when I received the phone call from my dad that night...this has been weighing heavily on my mind the past week or so as this day keeps approaching...I know you shouldn't live with regrets because it's hard to move on and be truly happy but it's so hard when it comes to my brother...before I was born and the first few years of my life he was in the Army...then the last year or two of his life he decided to join the National Guard...the National Guard unit where he lived (Oklahoma) had just deployed so he got stationed with a unit out of Fort Knox which is only a few hours from where I lived...once a month every month my dad would always drive up to see him for the weekend he was there for training...I only went one time...I have to live with that every day of the rest of my life...knowing I decided to stay in town and be with my friends instead of going to see my brother who I only got to see once a year and if I was lucky twice...even though there was a 20 year age difference and he lived so far away pretty much my entire life we were extremely close...I'd give anything to take his place because it's not fair that his youngest two kids have to grow up without either parent...their just kids what did they do to deserve this...there's so many life experiences they are going to miss out on by not having their parents...granted they have my parents and me but that doesn't come close to making up for their parents...

...so take time out of your schedule to spend with your loved ones or take that extra few minutes to give a hug, kiss or tell someone you love them before saying goodbye because you never know if that'll be the last time you get to see them...

The hits keep on coming

I've seen my dad cry twice in my life...once when my brother died and today. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. My dad lost both of his parents within 6 weeks of each other and then today one of the dogs we've had for 15+ years died. Well they say bad things happen in threes so hopefully this was number three and nothing else is going to happen.

I did my long run of the week...a 10 miler. I knew right away it wasn't going to be a good one. I barely slept last night and I woke up with major back and hamstring pain. On top of that it was sprinkling with threats of hard rain. It turned out to be half way ok except for the back pain. 4 weeks until my Mini Marathon...hoping to make some improvement in my pace in these last 4 weeks.

Good times, where did you go?

If it's not one thing it's another. My grandmother died about a month and a half ago, then hubby had to leave to go back to Afghanistan, then my stupid 14 year old niece got caught drinking at school and is suspended for 5 days and will spend the rest of the year at the "bad" kids school, and then my granddad died last night. With my granddad's death it feels like I'm losing a lot more. They lived in the country out on their farm. This is where I learned to shoot a gun, would practice pitching and hitting in their old pole barn, had family get to togethers, and some of my last memories of my brother were there on the farm. No one in the family wants to keep the farm or the house so it's being sold. If we knew this is where we would live we could buy the house and do the renovations needed but who knows where the army could send us.

The fight is over

My grandma's fight is finally over...no more suffering for her. She is now pain free watching over us with my brother.

Heartbreak

Tonight as I stood beside my grandma's hospital bed watching her take some of her last breaths my heart broke. I watched my grandfather stare at his bride of almost 72 years. You good see the sadness in his eyes. It's already bothered him so much that she hasn't been able to sleep in the same bed as him, I cannot even imagine what it will do to him once she is gone. You can see the longing in his eyes to go with her when the time comes. She will join my brother soon and will no longer be in pain.

Tough Decisions

Last night my dad and his sisters made the decision to bring in Hospice for my grandma...I believe this should have been done weeks ago. She is 90 years old, refuses to eat, drink or take her meds, is in kidney failure and hasn't gotten out of bed for roughly two months now maybe longer except when she's been taken to the hospital every other week. She's lived a long and healthy life and she's ready to go...she's been saying she doesn't know why she's still here. I know why...there are a few in my family that haven't been ready. Most of them have now excepted it and have said their goodbyes. I worry about how it's going to affect my niece and nephew...their parents were killed in a car accident 5.5 years ago...they were in the car too. They've experienced a few deaths since then and haven't handled it well. The girl (I'll call her T) feels she can't let herself love anyone any more because every time she does they die. The boy (W) has a hard time grasping things...he's almost 11 and is on meds for ADHD, Bipolar, Seizures, and has a learning disability (there's a possibility as he goes through puberty he will "grow" out of some of that...we can only hope).

But now my family and I have to begin the waiting game of watching her lay there and die...