Monday, May 3, 2010

Rough Couple of Days

The big day is tomorrow...and by big day I mean the 6 year anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law's accident/death...what I'd give to be able to skip over the day entirely...there's not a day that doesn't go by that it doesn't heavily weigh on my mind...so I really don't need a whole day as a reminder...I know there will never be a day where I don't think about them or miss them but I just wish it would get easier...it's hard living with this much anger every day for 6 years...everyone else has seemed to accept it...I just can't seem to take that step and move on...I don't know what it is...I know it'll always hurt but should it still hurt just as much today as when I received the phone call from my dad that night...this has been weighing heavily on my mind the past week or so as this day keeps approaching...I know you shouldn't live with regrets because it's hard to move on and be truly happy but it's so hard when it comes to my brother...before I was born and the first few years of my life he was in the Army...then the last year or two of his life he decided to join the National Guard...the National Guard unit where he lived (Oklahoma) had just deployed so he got stationed with a unit out of Fort Knox which is only a few hours from where I lived...once a month every month my dad would always drive up to see him for the weekend he was there for training...I only went one time...I have to live with that every day of the rest of my life...knowing I decided to stay in town and be with my friends instead of going to see my brother who I only got to see once a year and if I was lucky twice...even though there was a 20 year age difference and he lived so far away pretty much my entire life we were extremely close...I'd give anything to take his place because it's not fair that his youngest two kids have to grow up without either parent...their just kids what did they do to deserve this...there's so many life experiences they are going to miss out on by not having their parents...granted they have my parents and me but that doesn't come close to making up for their parents...

...so take time out of your schedule to spend with your loved ones or take that extra few minutes to give a hug, kiss or tell someone you love them before saying goodbye because you never know if that'll be the last time you get to see them...

3 comments:

  1. Sending a big hug to you! I am so sorry for your loss.

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  2. There is no right or wrong way to grieve when it comes to death. There are stages that every one goes through and every one moves through those stages differently. Just when you think you move from anger to depression you find yourself angry again. Or you move from derpession to acceptance then bam, your angry yet again. There is no timeline either. It is all in your own time. I will say though, if you find yourself "stuck" in the stage of anger you may want to use some of those military benifits before you give them up and see a counselor. You get 99 sessions a year! I only suggest it because 1) I am a therapist so I believe in the process and benifits of therapy with a good therapist 2) I go to therapy weekly and love it 3) you wont have to pay a dime for it as long as you use your Tricare (call military1source) 4)you deserve to be happy and let the guilt go...your brother would want that I bet. So sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve tomorrow but also allow yourself to remember the good times, celebrate his life and think of a fond memory to share with his children. That could be very special for them. And keep running, that is the best therapy!

    HUGS!!!!!
    Amanda

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